The Mysterious one

Since I can't Sleep, and since I have been listening to On Your Own again. Something came to me...It's always been there. In the back of my mind...haunting me. It has probably even helped keep me awake till 4 and beyond sometimes. The thing that haunts me is me. You probably don't understand, probably don't want to understand but I really think that there must be something wrong with me. But what is it? Is it the way I act? I know that I use taciturn a lot around my peers. I now know this. That during the past 3 years I've been using taciturn. That maybe if I hadn't been using taciturn for the past 3 years then maybe things would've been different. But it's true that I hide my true self around my peers. That when I'm home with my family and with Baby Cat I'm myself. The thing is. When I first started high school. There was no other side that was kept from my peers. And it stayed like that for about a month. Then things changed. I got and felt rejected by my peers several times. I mean I tried. I really did. You can't say that I didn't....It was a brand new experience for me. I was there all alone...on my own. Everyone seemed to know everyone. They seemed to get along swell. I just felt really left out. So I guess that after being rejected so many times I started to hide a bit of myself to save myself. I hid the most vulnerable parts of myself the happy, silly, funny, and sociable parts of myself away in order to prevent myself from being hurt again. And then I guess I became taciturn. But nowadays I'm starting to reveal the parts of myself that had been hidden for so long. Little by little bits of myself are being revealed to my peers and still nothing. I see nor feel any different from when I did 3 years ago. And I'm getting hurt again. Is it because of the previous 2 years? I did act a little mean towards my peers. I called them bastards and did other things that I can't remember. Do they somehow keep long term grudges? If so then maybe that's why nothing's changed. But still thats terrible....Why do I have to be like everyone else to have a friend...To "get rid of the hole inside"? I need to stop. It's 4:11 in the morning I get up at 5:00 and I finally want to rest....Goodnight...Good mornin